For I Give....It Up!

“Men are disturbed not by things that happen but their opinions of the things that happen" - Epictetus (55-135)

Trap of the Mind 

Do the archives of your mind bulge with corrupted files of 'not fair' life events? No one is unscathed from these memories. Unresolved injustices wreak havoc in your brain body long after the offense. The chatter is unstoppable." How could they... I should have known... If only... Yes but...Why?... It's not fair... You stop me... It's always this way... You should..." Whether you blame it on yourself, others, nature or God. It's the ultimate trap of the mind.

It appears past offenders sit in the jury box deciding your fate and you believe you have no choice; imprisoned by your own perception and interpretation. What the mind can conceive it begins to believe. You internally incubate the offender's anger, hurt, resentment and powerlessness. Pain and blame binds you to the offense and keeps it alive within.

These mind sets are formed by information sent to the brain, coded by the five senses and are seldom reassessed for the truth. Research tells us that with each recall the memory changes and emotions can become more exaggerated - or liberated.

Resentment is the poison you take yourself, hoping the other person will die." - Carl Thoreson; Stanford University, Forgiveness Research 

Making them pay is a veneer of safety and power. To be free is to let go, stop resisting what is. Forgiveness as you have known it is an impossible double bind. To be free and have peace you must forgive; to forgive means you give up your perceived power and can be hurt again. Not forgiving means they own a piece of you. Even if you never face the offender again, they wield the power to intrude in your thoughts, feelings and choices. They now perpetrate the offense over and over in your mind. If you are not freed from the offense, you are destroyed by it.

The question is not do they deserve forgiveness but do you deserve to be freed from the offense. You are the author of your life condition. You decide, "trapped" or "freed".

"The subconscious mind accepts and acts on the thoughts carrying the highest degree of emotional charge." The Power mind System ; Michael Monroe Kieffer M.S. 

Forgiveness is not what you may think it is.... Check out the Truth, it can set

1. Forgiveness is not amnesia. The brain never forgets. The offense remains a part of your past forever, either conscious or unconscious. The past mistakes and pain are our greatest teacher, you learn what does not work. 

2. Forgiveness is not a one-time decision but a process of letting go. Each truth you glean, sets the memory more free. When you get the last truth, your unconscious mind will not replay the unsolicited mental tapes without your permission. 

3. Forgiveness is not pardoning, condoning, or letting the offender off the hook as if to say the offense is "OK". This would trample your beliefs and values. To let go does not require you to compromise your beliefs. 

4. Forgiveness does not require the offender to change, apologize, agree with you, or pay for the offense. They may never choose or know how to change. They may even get worse.

5. Forgiveness does not mean you have to wait to understand the motivation and intention of the offender. They may never understand their own destructive choices. 

6. Forgiveness does not mean you have no protection and have to be a victim to further abuse. You can choose power; you can walk away, and say 'yes' and 'no' truthfully to set protective limits. 

7. Forgiveness does not mean you have to give up your negative emotions. Anger, fear and hurt are great protectors. Each carries a message, "Someone trampled your life." Emotions warn you to make another choice to stay safe and keep your power. The exaggerated ones become less reactive. 

8. Forgiveness does not mean you have to give up your good memories of the offender. It means the hurtful memories have less power. 

9. Forgiveness is not reconciliation. You can now set the boundaries. They have to earn your trust over time, or not. You get to choose.

10. Forgiveness is not about whether they deserve to be forgiven, but that you deserve to be someone who forgives. It lets you off the hook. 

11. Forgiveness is not time bound or dependent on the offender being present or ever seeing them again.

12. Forgiveness is not "out of sight, out of mind", avoidance, repression or denial. It is choosing to see the truth, be real, trust yourself, and learn from your mistakes and pain.

13. Forgiveness is not the easy way out. It takes more courage to let go than to hold on.

14. Forgiveness is not regaining trust in the offender. It is about trusting yourself to listen to your truth. 

15. Forgiveness is not manipulating or controlling the offender, or allowing the offender to control you. It is making a choice to be responsible for your life.

'For I Give... It Up' 

Since forgiveness, the way you know it, has not worked - start over. Re-coin 'forgiveness'. Exchange it for words that work, 'for I give'. Your part is easier than you thought, be willing to let go. In your mind's eye, put the memory in a circle, and release it to God's Recycle Bin. The offender can decide when, where, how and if they change. You decide to change now. Offenders are not your problem. You made them your problem by holding them responsible and waiting for them to pay penance, yet you were the one who paid.

You cannot change others; you change your own mind and decide to quit paying. The cross is the way, the bridge to God, a symbol of perfect forgiveness. Your part is to give them up, let go. 'For I Give' is a process over time of exchanging the mental bars. 

Truth is...

1. 'For I give' is a state of being that embraces and protects you, not an action or intention toward someone else.

2. 'For I give' is a choice you make, not contingent on external needs from another person, place or thing. 

3. 'For I give' frees the body to heal. If you even imagine forgiving someone, you show immediate relaxation response in the neo-cortex, the higher brain used to make sense of and give meaning to the world. The body shows immediate improvement in the cardiovascular, muscular and nervous system stress response.

4. 'For I give' means taking back your life, severing the psychic control you gave to the offender. It frees your mind so you hear Truth that guides your way. 

5. 'For I give' frees your mind to be constructive vs. destructive. It was created to learn from past regrets, to dream future possibilities, and to live thankfully in the present. 

6. 'For I give' replaces rigid thinking. Healthy brains are flexible; they move positions, see from various perspectives to gather new information. You do not have to agree with the offender, but you can see they reacted from a spillover of their unresolved misery. You are freed when you hate the behavior, not their soul. 

7. 'For I give' means you no longer need to hold the offender hostage with your contempt and self-righteousness. You break their hold on you and take back your power by letting them go to God's Recycle Bin. 

8. 'For I give' can motivate you to make different choices next time. The offender taught you what does not work, so you can make the opposite choice that works.

9. 'For I give' is the greatest revenge. Your life set free. 

10. 'For I give' changes others... when you change they have to change.

11. 'For I give' is a healing balm. It stretches you to grow, to release the offender to God's care by faith, even if they do not deserve it. You trust God with the outcome. Perfect Love heals all. 

12. "Forgive them for they know not what they do." Jesus - Scriptures. It includes the part of you that participated in the offense. No matter the insanity or intention of your mistake, there is an innocent goal: trying to get your needs met. You tried your best at the time.

13. 'For I give' makes your brain flexible. You can leave reality where the situation 'looks' impossible and practice seeing through God's eyes. God sees us perfect, in His image, as if we have changed already. On purpose you can make new movies, redirect the movie the way you would have dreamed it to be. The unconscious begins to re-code the memory, releasing you. 

14. 'For I give' does not change the past, it enlarges the future, and opens the Present.

Technique:  Let go…Let them!

1. Find the most painful memory that is taking up valuable brain space and replays without your permission. Put it on a movie screen in front of you in your mind's eye. Shrink it down into album size. Since the past does not exist and need not take up valuable brain space, place the picture in a filing cabinet off to your left, arms length away, since most brains store the past on the left side. Label it, "past pain memories, pending learning's".

   
   

2. Your brain gets locked in repetitive reactions to the mere memory of the offense. On purpose, leave reality where the situation appears 'impossible' and practice seeing from a higher dimension, see through God's eyes. It's like seeing from a hot air balloon that is so high you can see the entire parade of life. Stay in a holding pattern with that disassociated view point so you can be the director of the event replayed the way you would have dreamed it to be. A perfect and new scenario with everyone being supportive, loving, kind. Replay the pretend movie each time the negative 'real' event intrudes in your mind. The unconscious begins to re-code the memory in a new light, releasing you from the former pain. Your brain does not know the truth and does not understand time. Use it to your benefit.

'For I Give... them up/ Let go’  is a gift you give to yourself. It sets you free to Be Love ... and the offender was there to teach you. The offense and offender no longer owns a part of your brain or body.   If they come to mind…it is a God nudge telling you to ‘let them go to God’s recycle bin’.  That’s the ultimate gift of forgiveness.   Let them!!!

"Whatever goes on inside shows up on the outside." - Earl Nightingale

Elizabeth Harrison Lambert, LCSW

Licensed Clinical Social Worker